As women we are often told that in this modern society we live in, having it all is now possible. The dream Job, The dream man, the dream family……yes the dream life. However I am here today to discuss the fact and question if we really can have it all.
Dexter is now 6 weeks old and I go back to work in exactly 4 week time, if I’m totally honest with you I wish I had longer. Being self-employed is never going to be easy when you are bringing up children, and I knew this when I got pregnant. I love my work and I am incredibly proud of how I have built up my business over the last 5 years. However I was never ever prepared for just how much Dexter would steal my heart.
I’m not going to lie to you, I wish I could take much longer off to spend with him properly, everyone tells me how quickly they grow up and it seems to be true, he has changed so much in the last few weeks, I can only imagine this will carry on and his development will get even quicker. As much as I am totally career minded and Boho weddings and now A Boho Life has been my baby for the past few years, now this little baby of mine is all I can think about.
I have begun to feel jealous of other women with normal 9-5 jobs who have the standard 9 months off, who have left their jobs in the hands of someone else and haven’t had to think about work since their baby was born.
I’m not saying I never want to go back to work, I guess I just wish the 3 months I allowed myself was longer!
Before I had Dexter I had this rose tinted view that my maternity leave would be spent backing cakes, going for long walks, honing my photography skills, doing all those things I never had time for before I had him, after all I had 3 months off.
The actual reality of this has been pretty different. From Dexter being 1 week old I was back at my desk answering emails. Yes I have employed someone to cover my work while I am off, however my working day used to be 70 hours a week and Bran is only covering 20 hours a week…….so you see there is still much for me to do. As much as I have streamlined both blogs while I have been off to bring down the work load, there is still much admin for me to do, submissions to take in and organise, social media to stay on top of, endless emails……general stuff that only I can do that keeps the business ticking over.
Because of this I have felt that my maternity leave so far has been spent in a constant juggling act….while at the same time a massive guilt trip!
When I’m working I feel guilty that Dexter is sat next to me asleep, and when I am out with him doing baby stuff I am thinking about when I can get back to my desk to answer my emails. I constantly beet myself up for being a bad mother and then worry that the blogs are going downhill as I am taking time away from them.
However as time goes on and Dexter gest older I have come to realise that no matter what I do, I will still feel guilty! People have told me that it’s natural and that as working women we can only do our best!
OK so I may not be baking cakes, but I am building and maintaining a business, a business I hope one day my son will be able to see is what mummy has done all on her own. I hope my work ethic will rub off on him and make him proud of me.
I will also admit that there have been times over the last few weeks that I have considered jacking it all in. As I have got more and more frustrated with myself I have wondered if it’s all worth it, could we live on Nik’s wage alone so I could actually be a proper mother and look after my son as a full time job? Looking at nurseries and discussing child care arrangements has left me feeling guilty yet again, why leave my baby with strangers when I could be looking after him myself?
However that just isn’t me, I’m a worker and I always have been. I enjoy my job, it makes me more than a mother, it make me me! The money I bring in gives us a certain life style, it will give Dexter the things he needs and it makes me happy! My mother always worked and she worked hard, and I believe that it is as important for a women to go to work as it is a man.
So my question is as women can we have it all? Can we have the job, the family, the social life…………my answer is yes we can, but with it comes compromise and a whole load of guilt thrown in!
We have to wear so many hats and be all things to all people.
I’m not going to apologise for posting pictures of my son on the internet, after all to me he is the cutest most gorgeous thing in the world ever. I’m not going to apologise for writing more baby posts on the blogs, after all I’m a mother now and no matter how much I fight it, being a mother is now part of me. However I am still career minded, I still think about work when I get up to do the 3 am feed, I still need to answer emails each day, and there are days I won’t see my son as much as I would like because mummy needs to go to work….not just for the money but because that is who I am!
What I need to do now, and what I’m sure so many women need to do, is to stop beating myself up about it! We can’t be everything to everyone, but we can do our best at being the best we can be. I may not be baking cakes but I am splitting my time between work and baby the best I can.
So when I go back to work properly in a few weeks’ time I’m going to do my best not to feel bad about it but count my blessings that I can do both! That I have the luxury of two lives. Work Kelly, and Mummy Kelly………oh and of course wife Kelly, friend Kelly and daughter Kelly………it all just takes a bit of juggling and a whole lot of companies thrown in!
So what do you think? Are you a working mum? How do you find it? or are you a stay at home mum?
I would love to hear your thoughts and if you have any advice on how to incorporate the two then please let me know, I need all the help I can get!
Big Boho Love
- All photos by S6 Photography